WARNING: What follows is highly charged (with observational wit! Bam!), non-biased, foreign political commentary. I'm guessing not many of you are going to read this, but if you do decide to hit the jump, you have been warned.
Pregame: And we're off. Will Boulton be as good a moderator as Alastair "let's yell at all the leaders" Stewart? Probably not. That was a special performance, and the Sky Guy looks a bit too goofy to pull it off. This is hardcore journalism, people!!
Opening Statements:
Brown: Did Gordon get a haircut? He looks different somehow. Maybe his hair is a prop, cut strangely to accentuate this theme of "I'm not going to win on style points" -- as if anyone thought he would. I don't know how well this scared-straight rhetoric is playing with the electorate; it seems like his argument consists of a cross between "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen," and "Anyone running the country not named Gordon Brown will leave us all broke and dead."
Cameron: Spins Clegg's success last week into a call for good old-fashioned Conservative change. Family values, standards... good God, this opener reminds me of the old Fry and Laurie "Young Tory of the Year" sketch (start about 1:15 for the good bits). Some Tory ringers are in the audience, I see -- no clapping, kids!
Clegg: Yes, of course the country wants change, says a white, less successful Barack Obama -- clearly Nick's been studying the Decision '08 playbook, and my guess it that it will win him massive debate points, if not votes. He also seems to be the only one who realizes that the entire first half of the debate is on foreign issues, as he mentions his opposition to the Iraq war (or maybe he's just stealing from POTUS again).
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5min: Moderator mentions "in person" email questions. I'm not sure how they're going to pull off in-person emails, but if this turns into the CNN election night holograms, I'm out.
Question 1: Why should we stay in Europe? (With the UKIPish addendum "How can we stop it?")
6min: Cameron confuses himself for a Lib Dem as he makes the astoundingly wishy-washy sounding "I want to be in Europe, but only a little" answer. Also a bit ill-advised to compare himself to Sarkozy there -- way to win over the Euro-skeptics, by likening yourself to a Frenchman.
7min: Clegg, the supposed Europhile here, does a good line about the need for a united Europe on several fronts, including climate change: "Weather doesn't stop at the cliffs of Dover."
8min: Brown continues his "stick with the devil you know" strategy, and pulls a play from Blair's book by talking about America for a disconcerting amount of time. Apparently Clegg is anti-American, and that's BAD.
9min: Cameron scores the first real point of the night by bringing up the failure of Labour to bring the Lisbon Treaty to the people in the form of a referendum. I was wondering if it was going to come up -- when Labour began its free-fall after Brown took office, this was one of the big reasons why.
10min: Clegg gets in on the referendum game, reminding Cameron that the Tories gave a "cast-iron" guarantee that the Lisbon Treaty would be put to a public vote. Nice jab, but Cameron still wins that exchange.
12min: Nick a bit testy now, forced to admit some of what the EU does is "a bit daft."
13min: Maybe it's because I'm an American, but I'm so done with this question. Brown wins the pool for "first to blatantly repeat himself," though -- although, to be fair, his staging his EU support as a ploy for more UK jobs will play really well with the voters, and he's got the numbers to back it up.
Question "B" (?): Given what we know about the Afghanistan conflict, would UK enter another front in the war on terror?
17min: Clegg hedges more than I've ever seen him hedge, Brown says he'll answer the question directly, then doesn't, opting instead for another "look at all the hell I've been through" rant -- say it kids, the correct answer: "I don't know. It depends."
19min: Dave comes this close to answering, but all I hear is "I agree with Nick," just in many more, vaguely intelligent words.
20min: Nick comes out with some specifics of his own, at a good time for him in the proceedings, I thought, with the Typhoon fighters and all that jazz. Gordon sounds like he's back at PMQs again, blanket statement about supporting troops -- the UK's version of a flag pin, I guess.
21min: "I agree with Gordon" count -- 1(!)
22min: The point where I officially become frustrated with all of them re: not answering the damned question. Even when they say they're going to answer, they don't. Bastards.
24min: I genuinely have no idea what Gordon's talking about here. Really. I rewatched it twice.
25min: Ah, and here we come at last: Trident. One guaranteed difference between the parties. Clegg's just been told to "grow up" by Brown (possibly as close to "step outside, posh boy" as we'll ever hear from him) -- let's see how this plays out.
26min: I know I'm a week late to this party, but I agree with Nick. When I hear "we're wasting billions on an outdated Cold War nuclear deterrent that will do nothing to deter the biggest threat to the world now as perceived by a man who won an 'effing Nobel Prize for his work on nuclear disarmament," then it's hard not to nod your head at least slightly. Unless you're one of the other two men on stage. Or Ronald Regan, I guess, if he wasn't dead.
26min: "I agree with Gordon" count -- 2(!!)
Question 3: How are you personally "going green"?
27min: Brown talks about trains like a closet racist talks about black people -- "I ride trains so much, I don't even notice not taking the plane!" -- and recollects his shock when he discovered that solar power even works in Scotland!
28min: Cameron personally opposes the building of a third runway at Heathrow. Clegg says something I didn't bother writing down, probably something to do with alternate energy -- if you really want to know, look up some old clips of Obama talking about energy, because it's probably nearly a direct quote.
30min: It's at this point where I fully grasp the effect of our 2008 election on these televised debates. Gordon's railing against Britain's "dependence on foreign oil," Dave's talking about change so often it makes you wonder he gets paid every time he says it, and it's taking all of Nick's willpower to not just bugger the whole thing and scream "YES WE CAN!" into the camera. I genuinely don't know if it has to do with the popularity of Obama the president or the success of Obama the campaigner, but I do know that, if this were four years ago, not a one of them would be talking about strategery or draping a "mission accomplished" banner across their podium.
31min: After a lovely plug for Marks and Spencer, Cameron makes a great point about starting small, proposing new initiatives for weatherproofing homes and schools, and promoting sustainability on the proverbial ground floor. Brown loves the idea -- which is why he says the government's already starting such initiatives, and Nick also agrees with Dave for once. Aww. Such harmony. So, since all three parties agree, who are they going to blame when the next election comes around and they're still bickering about home sustainability?
33min: I may have misheard this, but I could have sworn Brown just said that Britain could be green without nuclear plants -- then he argues for nuclear plants. Okay... Clegg says that nuclear power wouldn't be feasible for another decade at least, at which point, what's the point? Cameron borrows an old phrase and agrees with Nick, then goes into his really cheap Doctor Who time loop and talks about DIY government again.
34min: Am I crazy, or does Nick Clegg sound, at times, like a posh Paul Merton?
35min: And, of course, the whole thing devolves into an argument about Europe. You know, I remember when it was okay to be anti-American in another country; Gordon bandies the word about like he's calling Clegg a paedophile or a cottager or something. Clegg, for the record, claims he's not so much anti-American as he is anti-Britain-as-doormat, which is understandable, I guess. Speaking as one of the Evil Empire, I can't really take sides on this.
Question 4: The Pope is coming to town -- will you denounce all the evils of Catholicism and, by proxy, his visit?
38min: Dave, Dave, Dave -- poor little guy's tuckered out. He's trying to be all caring and understanding towards people of a different background, but all he can come up with is that Jews and Muslims contribute to British society by working in prisons. Not your best moment, I have to say.
39min: Conveniently, Clegg's wife and children are Catholic, so he knows how important the Pope is to all Catholics! Brown has sympathy for all those abused by clergy, and he'll be there to help them with open arms. Both condemn the Pope in theory, but won't go so far as to tell him to piss off.
41min: Actually, everyone seems to be of the opinion that, although what most of the Catholic church does is Neanderthal in nature and a blight on all civilized people everywhere, Catholics themselves are wonderful people, and we should all welcome the Pope as reverentially as if you were welcoming the Queen or Stephen Fry into your home. 'Tis the fine line of "how tolerant is too tolerant?" that all three are having a hard time walking right now.
43min: Although this is turning into a strange Catholic-bashing session, I have honestly never heard a Conservative this touchy-feely and sensitive. It's a bit disturbing.
Question 5: How do you plan on restoring faith in Westminster?
45min: Weird culture-shock moment here. Are they really arguing about implementing electoral reforms (right of recall, referendum) that we've had here in Oregon since 1904?
47min: Ah, the complaint-spawning calling out of Clegg by Boulton. Not really a big deal -- Clegg shrugged it off as well as he could -- but it was not strictly professional on the moderator's part, in my opinion.
49min: Did Gordon just call the electorate stupid? Or short-sighted and selfish? Apparently, people don't think politics matter unless it directly affects them. I mean, it's true, but it was a awkward moment of Brown condescension.
52min: I love how Clegg calls the other two parties the "old parties." While not strictly untrue -- the Lib Dems in their current form were founded in 1988 -- its two merging parties are older than dirt.
53min: Way to drag us back to the question, Nick -- and way to talk about tax credits, Gordon. We get it, you're a policy wonk.
54min: Question to Cameron -- I get that everyone's at fault in the expenses scandal, but in terms of cost to the taxpayer, how many cake tins does it take to equal a moat?
Question 6: Is it right that an 84-year-old woman has to live on 59 pounds/week?
56min: Yes, Gordon, the woman who asked the question is, indeed, a woman. Well done. And way to win the OAP vote by mentioning the license fee waiver -- because without TV, what are the elderly going to do all day? Cameron agrees but not really, but with a fine layer of condescension on top.
57min: I thought the question was about the elderly, not women. Brown is making a special effort to reach the ladies.
61min: Lengthy back-and-forth about elderly benefits, accusations flying from all directions about leaflets, eye tests, and whatever Clegg's talking about. I don't know that any of them are really scoring any points -- maybe securing the angry vote? -- but this is as animated as I've seen Brown and Cameron. Although, to be honest, if this is Dave "really very angry," then I'm guessing he got beat up a lot at Eton.
64min: It must be comforting to know that all of Britain's hot topics have been covered in the first hour, because now we're talking about those people who care for seniors -- which was covered pretty extensively in the first debate. Clegg's all for them ("give them a vacation"), Cameron name-drops his dead son, and Boulton, sensing that we've done this all before, moves on before Brown can say anything contrived and/or stupid.
Question 7: We're headed for a hung parliament -- is it time for a coalition government?
65min: Cameron is all for cooperation -- yeah, bring it on! -- but a coalition would apparently be a disaster. Ok... Dave, your words say "no coalition," but your tie says "blue plus yellow equal purple."
66min: Clegg, of course, is all over the idea of a coalition -- mostly because it's the only way he's got a sniff at No. 10. He proposes a defence committee (which Brown says already exists). Boulton warns of the difference between "cooperation" and "coalition."
68min: It's official -- Gordon Brown is now throwing himself on the mercy of the court. It's all starting to sound a bit like desperate begging, now.
70min: Not entirely sure how to feel about Cameron "badly thinking" something.
71min: Well, looks like Clegg won another vote -- Frank, the man who asked the question, is nodding like a bobblehead doll.
73min: I don't know that anyone is answering the question now -- but, to be fair, I don't know how far you can take "yes, I think we need a coalition government" or "no, coalition governments are European and dangerous." The question might as well have been "Can you chaps just stand there and belittle each other for about ten minutes?" Then they'd all be spot-on.
74min: Mid-squabble, Cameron is the last to play the "Listen to how they argue! This is why you should vote for me!" card. Unfortunately, he's the only one likely to win outright now, so he's the only one who can actually pull off that argument -- but that hasn't stopped Clegg and Brown from trying. Several times.
Question 8: Wait -- Immigration? Again? Well it's being asked by an immigrant, so that's different. I guess. Bet the answers will all be the same.
78min: 15 minutes late, but Gordon finally gets his shout-out to carers. I'll bet that was bothering him, good to see him get it off his chest.
79min: Bethlehem, the lady who asked the question, doesn't look particularly thrilled with anyone's answer -- and, if I were an immigrant, I wouldn't be, either. All the obligatory "immigrants are people, too" statements don't really seem that heartfelt (which is a bit surprising in Clegg's case, considering his wife is an immigrant), and the bulk of the argument seems to be regarding how best to wall off the rest of the world.
80min: Just realized something -- Boris Johnson is definitely the Sarah Palin of the Tories. Not too bright, known for soundbites and outlandish statements, love-him-or-hate-him, known for goin' rogue, party establishment caught in a catch-22... perfect.
82min: All three leaders have officially failed the endurance part of the debate challenge. Even Clegg's getting caught in the time loop. I, however, will finish without repeating myself. I think.
83min: If you picked "do the right thing" as your phrase for this debate's drinking game, then you probably passed out about a half-hour ago. Well played, sirs.
84min: Watching Cameron speak about immigration, my roommate randomly exclaims "It's just so damn...fascist!" Also, see minute 74 -- Cameron's paid for the multiple-use time loop.
86min: Gordon's employing what I like to call haphazard pedantry -- spouting random facts and figures with such precision that it makes you wonder not only how he knows that many numbers but why he bothers to tell us about them. And he keeps saying 6 billion as "six-thousand-million," as if they're different numbers, or he thinks the voters can't comprehend numbers above a million without basic arithmetic (also a throwback from last debate). Gotta love it.
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Closing statements
Brown: Sounds a lot like Bush the Elder in 1992 here -- I've done this, I've done that, yeah, it hasn't been all that great, but at least I know what I'm doing now. He keeps calling Cameron unsafe and Clegg anti-American, and generally tries to play to his strength and scare the children.
Cameron: Says what I was thinking 20 minutes ago -- that Brown is starting to sound like a man begging for his life at this point. Otherwise, reverts back to "Young Tory of the Year" form. Seriously, it sounds a helluva lot like his opening statement.
Clegg: Gets the last "look at the children squabble!" jab in -- Britain can lead, not complain. We have a hope sighting! Hope and change! YES WE CA-- um, sure, why not?
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I'd give the most improved award to Gordon on this one -- despite what the Telegraph and the Sun say, Cameron sounded like a skipping record all night, and Clegg clearly has basic debating skills down far better than either of the other two, so it wasn't like he had all that much room for improvement. Brown came into his own, and although "Step outside, posh boy" was a joke, that persona could be utilized more than it has been, and his confrontational style could equate to more voters seeing him as the best choice for leader. On points, I'd give it again to Clegg, with Brown a close second and Cameron a much more distant third.
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